Cancer - What Does It Feel Like?

Student Loans Bc Canada - Cancer - What Does It Feel Like?

Have you ever wondered what it felt like to have cancer? What bodily and emotional hardships come upon you, and what is the breaking point of sanity? It is depressing mental about cancer and how it affects a person's life, and the toll it takes on the relationships around you. Want to take a sneak peek? Below is a window view of my life with cancer...

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"What does it feel like to have cancer"?

1. It feels like a Tylenol size lump on my left breast. After 1 week of watching it, and it wasn't budging, made an appointment with a local Gynecologist. They didn't take it too seriously, were more involved about the dense tissue they found on the right breast... But listened to me, and scheduled a mammogram with an ultrasound as added caution.

2. Trepidation and what the hell is going on? while the ultrasound, the radiologist came in after reviewing the images and conducted her own test, measuring and marking areas of concern. I was told that a biopsy was needed, but not to worry as 80% of them come back negative. Seeing the blank look on my face, the only word that came out of the nurse's mouth, calcification's... Call for an appt. My intuition said it was something.

3. Being dragged straight through a lake on an inner tube, when is it going to end? Waiting a week for the biopsy to take place. A distinct radiologist conducted an ultrasound guided fine needle biopsy, explaining every step and she made. She 'vacuumed' 5 samples out of the breast and followed it by shooting a metal ticket into the lump (I cannot even described what this feels like, just know that I don't wish it on my worst enemy). I asked to see the samples, having read that if the liquid came out clear that it was benign, but that if it came back cloudy or bloody then it was beyond doubt malignant. I told her what I had read and she tried to convince me that it wasn't true. I wasn't feeling confident, as I saw blood in the samples. A nurse gave me the # for the results. The next 3 days drag on and on.

4. A hockey puck hitting my chest from the great Wayne Gretsky. I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, less than 1 mm in size and a grading of 4. Can't breathe, promptly go on autopilot.

5. Death sentence. Thoughts of never Seeing my babies graduate, get married and have babies of their own flash swiftly straight through my brain.

6. God is testing me. I made a commentary that I couldn't believe a co-worker was giving up the cancer fight and waiting around letting it consume her. I said that if it was me, I would be crossing all off my pail list. After 2009, I will no longer think for someone else... You Do Not know how you are going to react when you find out you have the cancer beast. I hope I passed "His" test!

7. Insomnia. Lying in bed, Pt spooning me cupping the traitor amongst us, staring at the wall trying to fall asleep. Waking up, Seeing that same damn wall and realizing it wasn't a dream, it's my reality. Over and over and over again.

8. Losing a body part. When the surgeon was laying out the surgical options, I was safe bet in saying "just take the damn breast". Pt, on the other hand, couldn't understand why I was so nonchalant about losing a body part.

9. Secret. Seeing out that I had cancer the eve of B's birthday. Hosting family for the weekend festivities and retention it all in and being "happy". Maintaining the hidden for Pt's side so that they can enjoy the birth of their first granddaughter.

10. Unthinkable. Getting the courage to tell my sons (5th and 8th grade) that Mom has cancer, it would convert our lives for the short term but promising that I would be okay. All the while retention my fingers and toes crossed hoping that I could keep that promise.

11. Foolishness. Breathtaking co-worker wanted to throw a bon travel party for the malignant breast and I turned her down- What the heck was I thinking? That would have been so much stinking fun!

12. Secondary cancer. Is the enlarged ovarian cyst that is found before the surgery the main culprit--had the cancer already metastasized? Blessed be to God-this was proven false a few days later--the longest days of my life.

13. Survivor's guilt. I have been given a second chance, my co-worker was not. To this day I still credit her for salvage my life. The eve of my mastectomy she lost her life to kidney cancer that had metastasized throughout her body. Two days after my surgery, I walked into her funeral and paid my respects to her family.

14. Like a rump roast. I was warned that the blue dye used to locate the sentinel lymph node would not only turn my breast blue but my urine as well. Was I ever surprised instead to have my big ole tush turn a beautiful shade of magenta--if only it didn't itch like hell and didn't peel like a bad sunburn.

15. Squealing like a pig. I had drains coming out of me for 2 weeks, the goal being retrieving less than 30 cc's for 3 days straight. The first few times the drain was 'stripped' I squealed, beyond doubt pulling the fluid out of my body. If only they could hook up a few drains and I could 'strip' the fat out of my legs and tush... Hmmmm... I could make millions.

16. Like being in the angle of a high school dance waiting to be asked to dance. Analysis testing the cancer cells to see what they are receptive to. What makes you stronger cancer cells, Er+, Pr+, Her2 or none of the above Triple Negative?
May I have this dance so that I can kick your ass?

17. Not adequate empathy for Pt. Everyone is worried about me... Who is focusing on his needs... Hoping that he is safe bet adequate to vent to his friends without violating my privacy. I cannot perceive the angst and hardship that caregiver's must go through.

18. Like trying on my first bra as a teenager, except this time I don't have to wonder how big my breasts will be... I get to determine the size and the look of my breasts. What size is your pleasure???

19. Breathtaking sense of community. The outpouring of cards, flowers, meals and retain from the citizen in my life.

20. Claustrophobic. Thirteen high school girls and boys were taking part in the "Locks of Love" event at the high school the day before my first chemo treatment. It was safe bet the kids were nervous, their feet twitching a mile a minute, such a brave and loving thing to do in front of their classmates. When a co-worker's daughter pointed me out to some other girls' I swiftly headed out the side door trying desperately to catch my breath and stop crying. I later learned that beautiful girl wanted to back out (she was nervous and scared to cut her long hair), but when she saw me she decided she was going transmit in my honor.

My one true regret of this day... Not having the courage to be part of the event. How do you think the 200+ students and teachers would have reacted if I had had my hair cut and then shaved for Locks of Love??

Each word I write is a seed being planted, waiting to be nurtured and grow, hoping to heal myself and be a great someone going forward.

21. Scolding. Being told by my first oncologist to stay away from the internet. It would only confuse my mind with all of the bad information/pessimism floating around. Hello Doc, how do you think I was comfortable and safe bet coming to see you... I Googled the hell out of him.

22. Party. We were welcomed with open arms to the first round of chemo. A three-time survivor greeted us, gave a very long speech and a goody bag. I was taken aback, she was invading my space, I wanted to keep this a hidden affair and I was in my zone (mentally). Three years later I still can't tell you one thing she preached, but I do appreciate her encouragement and sisterhood. I still have every blessing and prayer that were in that goody bag.

23. Science project. The systematic way the drugs must enter the body. Steroids and nausea pills the day before and day after chemo, cushioning the body for the devil to do its deed. The actual day begins with Benadryl, prednisone, 2 bags of Taxotere and 2 Huge syringes of Cytoxan. I was a walking pharmaceutical!!

24. Fire. First round of Taxotere missed its mark ~ burning the vein six inches up my forearm. Angry, red, painful to the touch. Five months later... Still visible; eight months later it has disappeared, taking the vein with it.

25. Head in the clouds. I watched too many movies, Seeing cancer patients puking their guts out and lying in bed. For me, reality was fogginess so thick that even a lighthouse couldn't be seen from my rocking ship. Treatments were on Thursday, by Sunday I was on that ship rocking side to side desperately Seeing for that light. Finally Tuesday's rolled around... Fog clearing, lighthouse straight ahead.

26. Rat on your head. The appointment with the wig specialist cancelled, after being told that this is a very traumatic/emotional experience, she will allow an hour for me to find a wig. What? You mean this isn't a opening to fulfill Pt's wildest fantasy... Long hair, short hair... Red, blond... Oh, the possibilities are endless. I am fully aware that this can be emotional, but I pick to make it as fun as possible. God bless Cb for dropping all on a Sunday in the hunt for a wig shop. And God bless the wee oriental lady who probably idea we were nuts giggling straight through all of the hair!

27. Mary J. Blige. Deciding the wig is not for me, thankful I spent versus the upwards of K I would have spent at the specialty wig store. Blessed that Hm brought me a dozen bandanas, every shade you can imagine. Deciding that I am great off channeling my 'biker babe' image than the Mary J. Blige look. For anything who is going straight through treatments, I would love to send you this wig. It is stunning, it just wasn't for me. Maybe we can have the traveling wig, connecting and bonding citizen along the way.

28. Irony. Walking up the stairs at work, hearing a conversation on the importance and importance of zodiac symbols, and being asked for my sign. Mood lifting instantly, consuming smile plastered on my face saying, "Ironically, I am a cancer". That wee snippet of irony made me smile all day.

29. Million needles are piercing my scalp and each hair on my head weighing a ton. Two weeks after starting chemo my hair started to fall out. Two and a half days later, the pain and the constant hair balls (leaving presents for citizen is only fun for so long and lets face it... Very immature =) were too much; a dear friend shaves my head.

30. Waiting game. Waiting for appointments, waiting for test results, waiting for life to feel general again.

31. Sprint. How many miles can I walk each day (averaged 3.5 per day), minimal days off work (got lucky with the timing and 2 fell on holiday weekends), retention so busy there is no time to breathe. I wish I had listened to my boss who said, "Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint"! To wind back the clock, I would have listened to him!!!

32. Weight gain. Seriously, I have to be the only someone who gained weight while chemo. That was supposed to be the one safe bet from it all... Losing some weight. Nope, must have broken a article by gaining 15 pounds!

33. Orgasm. The feeling when the shower spray hits my bald head and wanting to lose myself, never leaving that stall. beyond doubt amazing! This is the only thing I miss from losing my hair.

34. Relief. The Brac1 and Brac2 genetic testing came back negative. Confirms my reliance that my cancer is pure environmentally earned.

35. Regret. Why didn't I have the hospital put in a port? I am running out of veins, the T & C burning rubber after each treatment... And they refuse to use my left arm due to the mastectomy.

36. Your popular glass vase crashing to the ground, shattering into a million pieces. White blood cells taking a nosedive to.07, pushing me into isolation. someone please tell me how a someone can feel so good, but the immune principles has shut down?

37. Eighty year old woman. The Neupogen and Nuelasta shots to keep my white blood cells up make every step I take sheer torture. My hip and leg bones ache, but I push forward... Walking downtown to morning meal with my sister and K... Even walking the 6 miles roundtrip to receive this dreaded shot.

38. "You're Outa Here". One of the hottest days of the summer. Umpire had to be dehydrated, calls getting worse as the innings were getting longer. The M's and the D's egging him, disputing every call. Pt opens his mouth after we were all told to zip it, and the ump beyond doubt kicks him out of the ballpark. Still hilarious to this day!! If anything knows Pt... Coach... Athletic director... Teacher, and the most mild-mannered guy I know getting kicked out of a ballgame. Still one of the best stories around!!!!

39. Bulls eye marks the spot. I had a red bulls eye on my throat all straight through the treatments. Don't understand the rhyme or think of it, and very self-conscious about it.

40. My heart is breaking. Since losing my hair, B wants nothing to do with me. He is so freaked out by me that he is avoiding this house like the plague. My heart and soul breaks every time B walks away from me, gives a smart ass response or rolls his eyes. Pt tells me to give it time, he will warm up to me. Don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful for our dear friends and neighbors who opened their home to him for 4-5 months, it was best for B. What was best for me, was having a son accept me emotionally and physically, and not repulsed by the very sight of me. For him to know that I am taking the steps and going straight through hell, hoping to prolong my life and praying to have the opening to watch his kids grow... My glorious, hope to have someday grandchildren!!

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